I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
