I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
