Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Less talking, more tequila
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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