it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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