he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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