People in love make me want to vomit
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have tasted many bathrooms
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
