I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
