i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
