Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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