yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
