I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
