I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
