I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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