bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
