No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
