Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
