Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
