Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
