you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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