I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
