Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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