im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
