i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
