you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
