Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
