No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
