could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
