she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
