Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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