matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
