So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
