Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
