My liver just broke up with me...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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