you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
