Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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