So drunk its hurt
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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