I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
