just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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