Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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