Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
