I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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