Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
