matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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