and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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