rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Randomize
