I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
