HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Couch. On fire.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
