I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
