I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
