Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
